ASSIGNMENTS:
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Erin
Sunshine Coast, AUSTRALIA
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REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
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My dog Panda is a mini fox terrier. He lives with my Mum, Dad and brother Jack because I can't have dogs where I live.
Me: Panda looks fatter than last time I was here
Mum: No he doesn't
Me: Yeah he does, hes massive, he looks like a keg on legs
Mum: Well maybe hes plumped up a bit but he was so skinny before
Me: Mum, hes a mini fox terrier, hes a small dog, his legs are like 10cm long he cant carry all that weight he'll collapse
Mum: Oh Erin I think youre exaggerting a bit
Me: No im not, here Ill show you the photo I took of him last time I was here (I show her the photo)
Me: See, look at him there and now look at the fat wad!
Mum: Don't call him that, he's right here
Me: So
Mum: So he can hear you
Me: Well its not his fuckin fault is it, its you guys
Mum: What
Me: You and dad and Jack, you're all feeding him too much and you never walk him
Mum: He doesn't like going for walks Erin, every time I take him out he just starts going crazy, he just jumps up on me and tries to bite my bum and wants me to pick him up
Me: Well just don't pick him up and make the fat fucker walk
Mum: Erin, he gets upset when you raise your voice
Me: Well I'm fucking upset
Mum: Well when he gets upset he pees in the house, if he pisses because youre shouting then you can clean it up
(my brother walks in the room)
Me (to Jack): Have you noticed how fat this dog is getting
Jack: Hehe yeah he is a bit chunky (Jack wobbles Panda's belly)
Me: This is not fucking funny Jack, hes a small dog hes not supposed to weigh this much
Jack: Yeah well you can't talk, you've certainly gained a few kilos recently
Me: Oh fuck you, that's different, my weight is my own responsibility and theres noone to blame by myself, but you guys are responsible for this
Mum: What
Me: Ive seen how much you feed him
Mum: Erin, I feed him the same as sootie and sootie isnt fat
Me: Yeah its not his dinner, it all the fucking tit bits and treats you give him
Mum: We don't give him treats
(my dad joins in)
Me: Dad don't you fucking pretend to be innocent, I've seen you give him ice cream
Dad: Oh Erin that was one time
Me: I don't care Dad dogs ARE NOT meant to eat ice cream
Mum: Erin I asked you not to raise your voice
Me: Well am I the only one who cares about this dog? If he keeps getting fatter like this hes gonna end up with diabetes or some shit. He'll die an early death and you'll all feel like shit.
Mum: Erin don't talk like that in front of him
Me: Mum, this is fucking serious, do you know how much it would cost to medicate a fucking dog with diabetes? Or to have his fucking teeth filled cos they've rotted from all the ice cream and shit? Seriously, how bad would you feel if he died
Mum: Ok Erin that is enough, weve all had enough of your ranting
Me: Fine whatever, but if that dog gets sick or dies itll be on your (I point to the three of them) heads
(I stalk haughtily out of the room with panda under my arm)
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