ASSIGNMENTS:
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WJ
Columbus, Ohio USA
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REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
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Advice to Wendy at age 6:
When mom kicks you out of the house for not wanting to practice your flashcards, don t cry as you pack your ning-ning and clean undies in your Going to Grandma s suitcase. Mom s out of her gourd right now. She s living a self-inflicted miserable life and she s taking it out on you, her poor, poor 6-year-old. Don t cry about it; in fact, run and hide where down the road where she can t find you 20 minutes from now. Because she s going to come and look for you and she ll crap her pants if she can t actually find you. Don t just walk up the block, sit down and cry. Make her sweat. She deserves at least that for making her little girl think that Mommy hates her.
Advice to Wendy at age 16:
Don t drive 115 mph on a busy highway in the city just to race some asshole. You ve got your friend in the car and if anyone gets hurt, you ll have to live with it for the rest of your life. Don t be so irresponsible as to put other people s lives at risk!
Stop obsessing over Bob Kadow and do some artwork it ll be way more rewarding in the long run.
Advice to Wendy at age 18:
Don t room with Katie. Your fun preschool memories will be wrecked by scary, mean, unexplained behavior when she has her identity crisis.
Room with Natalie, only because she ll introduce you to future friends. But be ready for her to get all squirrelly and break your heart because she s a painfully miserable person both inside and out.
Don t room with Mamie. She ll inflame your hatred of fake art kids and that s not necessary. She ll be filthy, smelly and abuse your cat.
Don t let Morgan dump you. Dump him first. He deserved it long before he ever cheated on you. Then just skip dating Joel altogether. He ll just be a rebound that reminds you of Morgan. Except he ll turn out to be gay and break up with you over the phone from 125 miles away on Father s Day.
Advice to Wendy at age 24:
Go to Steve s Going Away Party because he s about to go away to heaven.
Advice to Wendy at age 25:
Whatever it is that s causing you to not get over assholes in your professional life, nix it. You ll end up on muscle relaxers to avoid migraines.
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