ASSIGNMENTS:
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The Mymble
Tunbridge Wells, UK
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REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
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Advice to C aged 6
1. There will be a scuffle in the classroom and somebody's thumbnail will take a great gouge out of my hand by accident. This person, who I shall not name, will suggest that I blame my then best friend. I still feel bad about blaming her today. It would be quite OK just to tell Mrs Covelli that I don't know who did it.
2. Ask the mother to look into a condition called Cushing's Disease and tell her to get her bone density checked and her pituitary gland investigated. I don't know if this will do any good because they can't treat it until they are sure, and they can't be sure until it's too late. And I'm not sure that she would believe a six-year-old anyway.
Advice to C aged 14
1. Oh the bridesmaids' dresses. Ha. Yes. Actually, I looked rather cute in the pictures, so don't let my mother get me down. The whole process is totally humiliating, but try to smile for the photographer, hey? The mother will contrive to make me feel like a complete freak for some years now. But keep my chin up, and honestly, my bust is one of my best features, so get hold of some low necklines. It is years before I understand this and I wish I'd got it sooner. Oh, and go shopping without her.
2. Don't worry about my weight, no matter what the mother says. I realise later that for me fat is partly an attitude, and it is really not very helpful to have someone constantly barking at me about food. I am told when I am 17 by the tuckshop lady that fat falls off when one goes to university. This is so true -- seriously, I'd love to experience that coming home from university after the first term again.
3. And... when the Mother starts working again, tell the grandparents that they can come round for tea on Mondays and only Mondays. Sit up at the table and get them to tell all their stories. Otherwise, they come round so often that the three of us come to resent them. They don't understand how tired school makes us, and think we want some adults in the house.
Advice to C aged 17-21
1. I had the best time at university, so don't worry so much. The most important thing is: everyone is about 400 times nicer than they were at school. I had been there a week before I realised it and it was one of those lights-from-heaven moments. But here is what I would have done differently. I would have taken joint honours in Latin and English, not classics. On Wednesday lunchtimes in the English department is a writing workshop. Go in the first year -- I only discovered it in the second and I know I missed out. And I might look into making creative writing part of my course -- they might have let me do a module of novel writing. And get into the whole zine scene as soon as poss, too, It's the best fun and the sheaf of publications that you produce at job interviews is far more impressive than your degree. Perhaps lose that fear of sitting alone at mealtimes. It's pretty annoying. Take a book -- no-one's watching, they are all too worried about what they look like themselves. I really regret not doing more extra-curricular stuff -- mountaineering would have been great, and finding the pagans, too.
2. Oh, and yes, PV is gay. He comes out on New Year's Eve 1999 and when I say I knew all along he has a go at me for not asking. I still don't think it was up to me to ask him to out himself -- but feel free to experiment.
3. Right -- lovelife.
4. I met my first love at Durham. It was OK, but I deserve more respect. Seriously, if he's late, go out. He'll soon learn. Don't ditch all those things I love doing because of him -- I enjoyed orienteering with Pels more than waiting in my room for the boy to appear. It ends and I am devastated to an undignified degree. It really hurts, but I come through. And, as with any bad thing that happens, I can write about it afterwards. It is annoying that I felt it for so long -- it stops me living back in halls in my third year. I would have liked to have got over it all a bit quicker, but it takes YEARS. I would think about getting counselling.
5. I then go on a bit of a spree: the chap I meet while in Halloween costume: not worth it and he has a girlfriend (her name is Lindsey. Go on, ask him and see the fear in his eyes). The guy who leans over two of my friends to ask if he can kiss me: don't leave the party with him as his flat is revolting and he is very grabby. The 21-year-old medical student is actually 17 and really not the best lover. Can anything stop me at this point? Yes. Glandular fever. Sleeping all day is not normal -- get it checked. I catch it off... I'm not going to spoil the surprise by telling, but it will teach people not to dump visiting brothers on me while they go out gallivanting. Be kinder to Stephen -- that was fun while it lasted. And don't feel bad about ending it, because it was never going to last.
6. After this there is a fling with my college son. Here is an important tip: Boots sells outsize condoms. Buy lots and avoid anxiety.
7. Moving on -- first job. Stay the hell away from RW. When MH says there is nothing between them, she is lying and you are badly hurt by this later. Don't be scared of Adrian in studio -- he is very interesting if you get to know him. Recomending PV for the photographic job is a good thing to do.
22 and onwards
1. I go on a long holiday in 2001. For God's sake, take some pretty clothes. I know I felt bruised after the RW thing, but still... There may well have been a fling to be had on this trip if I had been open to it.
2. Make friends with JD earlier -- he has a lot to give intellectually -- but save me a lot of trouble and expect nothing from him emotionally.
3. That novel... it's not going anywhere. But it was so worth writing. Given late 2001 again, I would not work for a newspaper in London on a temporary basis. And I get a job on a gardening magazine. This was good in many ways but it really knocked my confidence. I am not sure what I would have done differently really.
4. I was more worried about my mother than I realised and it really affected my abilities. I might have taken some time off, but that would probably have made me climb the walls. It all kicks off in 2003 but things do get better by 2004, although the doctors appear to have toned-down their prognosis to avoid giving her more than she could cope with. It is very important that at this time I expect nothing from JD, as I ended up being very, very hurt. Speak to F, who is a better friend than I realised at the time, or K or C. And the siblings and the aunts, too.
5. I met some pagans about this time. Someone offered to teach me one-to-one. Say no, and never be alone with this person. Otherwise, this group is good -- you get loads out of this.
6. In 2004 take K and go to New York. I didn't do this, and I regret it. R has less time than anyone knows.
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