ASSIGNMENTS:
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Milla
Montreal, Quebec CANADA
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REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
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Advice to Milla, age 3ish
It's OK that you pooped in your underpants. Mom'll clean it up. No worries.
Advice to Milla, age 8
Doing your homework is important. If you do more homework now, you'll find it easier to have fun later. Plus, you'll get better grades.
Advice to Milla, age 10
Don't call Peter pretending to be Samantha to ask how his date with you went. He will instantly know it's you and you'll always wonder, even 23 years later when he asks to be your friend on Facebook, if he thinks you're kinda weird.
Advice to Milla, throughout teens
Smile more. Things aren't so bad.
Advice to Milla, age 14
When you surface from the cool lake, before you look up at the cute boy, wipe your nose. There's a massive piece of snot there.
Advice to Milla, age 15
You are not your parents. Place the Norwegian sabres across the doorway of your house (figuratively) and in your best thundering Gandalf imitation proclaim: "Thou Shall Not Pass!"
Advice to Milla, age 16
Be patient. Don't go home with Pablo. He's hairy.
Advice to Milla, age 22
Call Suzie all the time. She's having cancer cut out of her and getting chemotherapy and she needs people around her.
Advice to Milla, age 23
Quit that job. You don't have to know what you want to do to know that you don't want to sell grossly overpriced, environmentally hazardous and totally uncomfortable pantyhose to the silly people who wear them.
Advice to Milla, age 23
Check the Atlas. You'll find that Canberra, not Sydney, is the capital of Australia. This piece of knowledge will save you from printing misinformation on the front page of that city's daily newspaper.
Advice to Milla, age 24
Before you leave her house, when you feel the words might actually burst out of your chest because they're too urgent to make it out your throat, tell Kina you love her. If you wait and say it over the phone, across the Atlantic, when she's dying in the hospital and already drugged with morphine, you won't ever be sure she heard you.
Advice to Milla, age 25
Don't ask to see the ultrasound. You don't want to know if it's a boy or a girl. Asking will make you realize that you hadn't even considered the sex of the fetus, or that it did have a sex, and all of this will make you feel even worse. And when it's over, you must do something. You'll beat yourself up for years unless you recognize in some commemorative way that you've denied this potential baby.
Advice to Milla, ages 25 through 29
Say no to Colin. You don't want to go all his rugby games, or read all his fiction with shockingly poor grammar, or take that second ecstasy pill that night you thought you might die, or stay home on Friday nights, or move to Edmonton. And when you do finally break up, remember that all break-ups suck - it's nothing personal.
Advice to Milla, ages 29 to 33
Say yes to one or two of those nice guys you go out with. They're nice guys and you don't have to reject all of them so quickly just to practice saying no. You'll find the "No" comes really easy when things haven't even really gotten started... but it's also kinda pointless.
Advice to Milla, age 33
Shine your smile upon the Beastie Boys. It may seem weird that you're practically the only person dancing, and that you're attending the concert alone, and that you drove to Toronto to see the concert after seeing those other concerts in Montreal, Brooklyn and Manhattan. But you should have lots and lots of fun. And be sure to wear that crazy 1980's turquoise-and-green Euro-trash dress. The green tie's cute but not spectacular. You should be spectacular.
Advice to Milla, age 33
Learn that love makes you cry. Decide that from now on love will make you happy.
Advice to Milla, right now
Say thank you to Miranda July and Harrell Fletcher and Yuri Ono. This is a great project. Maybe it will make everyone love everyone more.
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