ASSIGNMENTS:
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Mavis
Valley Village, California USA
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REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
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Dear Mavis, Age 4:
--Don't hate Mom for not sending cupcakes...she didn't know.
--Don't make trouble for Mom and Dad regarding the babysitter.
--Don't hide the cheese from your HandiSnacks in your cubby; Patrick will just eat them.
--Your drawing DOES look like rose vines-don't listen to Mrs. Carr.
--Naps are awesome.
Dear Mavis, Age 6:
--Don't pretend you can't read; Mrs. Anderson will just think you're stupid.
--Go to the bathroom when you have to puke.
--Go ahead and like New Kids on the Block; it makes a good story when you're an adult.
--Don't be so rowdy around Emily; you'll miss her for the rest of your life when she's gone.
--Don't hit Meredith at the Christmas party.
--Don't let Girl Scouts jade you. They suck, but you'll learn a lot.
--You do NOT need to shove your face in the cake.
--Don't fall off Shamu!
Dear Mavis, Age 14:
--Don't get the albino hamster. She's mean and she bites.
--Be more confident and don't get fat.
--Go to the 8th Grade Prom with Tristan. Who cares what your friends say? Besides, in 6 years he'll tell you he's gay and start doing coke.
--Please, please stop with the home perms. They're not flattering.
--Tell Mrs. Stewart to shove it. Or get over yourself and get some tutoring.
--Don't do a book report on "Jude the Obscure"; Mrs. Libby a.)Will think you're lying b.)Will think you're trying to show off.
--Wear the prom dress your mom made you.
--Don't be such a weird kid; it doesn't help you and you don't need that kind of attention to let other people know you're different.
--Tell the custodian to watch out for Checkers hiding in the grass.
Dear Mavis, Age 17:
--Don't be student council president. What are you thinking?
--Don't listen to the guidance counselor. Go ahead and graduate early if you want. Plus, he'll just hit on you three years later and make you feel creepy.
--Go to a private high school or take some college classes!
--Sing more in plays.
--You should go to Derek's wrestling match.
--Don't be so sad all the time. You're setting yourself up for bad habits.
--Don't bother with Noah or Ken. They're both losers and they know it. They don't respect you because you like them.
--Talk to PJ during summer camp. He thinks you're dating Tristan.
--Don't be so defensive. You've got a great sense of humor in a shitty situation; be mature and use it.
--"Geographicism". Maybe you made it up, but you should learn what it means. It's YOU that's got to change.
--Make more friends.
Dear Mavis, Age 22:
--Take that internship with the sculptor. She thought you were even more lame for turning it down.
--Start things early; be proactive.
--Don't tell them about Danny not turning Diego in.
--Don't let the professors you hate get to you.
--Be a good R.A. You weren't even trying.
--Don't report Heather for being at the party.
--Date Chris, not Steve. Steve's nice, but not your type.
--Don't make out with Adam. Who cares if he had a hammock? And please don't tell Mom all about it when he doesn't want to date you!
--Don't, under any circumstances, lend Matt your van!!!
--Buy a AAA membership. It'll be worth it!
--Don't listen to Becky. You will lose a lot of friends because of her and she'll start therapy in two years!
--Don't move in with Auntie...go to San Jose like you planned.
--Don't take that job with Nanci and listen to Steve more. He does have your best interests in mind.
--Finish your videos!
--You should talk to Grandpa before he dies.
--You should take every opportunity you can at school. Quit goofing off. Make college count.
--Get to know Mauricio; network.
--Arrive at Nancy's house on time.
--Join the Peace Corps.
Dear Mavis, Age 24:
--Don't let Dad do your taxes.
--Look again before making that left! Also, mind your rental cars around that pole at the Purple Salon.
--Cut it out with the chocolate at work.
--Don't take the job in casting!
--Tell Renita to fuck off when she asks you to work those three extra days...
--Don't move in with Maria. What a pain in the ass.
--Look for a real job.
--Don't buy that Post Office study guide.
--Don't go to JC Penney for a hair cut.
--Don't ever invite Sarah to the Crazy Hook.
--You DO need a GPS.
Dear Mavis, Now, Age 25 and For Always:
--Continue to love Jason. Also, try to understand him more. He's got a lot more to offer.
--Mom and Dad love you but they give lousy advice and aren't aware of what you need.
--Set realistic goals for yourself. Don't give up on what you truly want.
--Save time for yourself.
--Be vocal about what you need and be assertive-you'll be relieved.
--Get a real job.
--Be patient and take things as they come.
--Hike the Camino de Santiago.
--Don't defer to other people; listen to yourself.
--That shag haircut is the cutest.
--Pay attention to what your dreams are telling you; afterall, Jung wasn't an idiot.
--Volunteerism DOESN'T pay. Buy the shirt.
--You really should floss; your gums are a disaster.
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