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Advice to Ian at age 14.
1. You are not in love with Sinead. Do not try and convince yourself that you are, and that she will eventually realise what a nice guy you are, and fall in love with you. She will never like you, no matter how many elaborate ways that you come up with to declare your love. Every time that you ask her out, she will make a fool of you in front of everyone you know. If you do fall in love with her, what will follow is a seemingly interminable sequence of heartbreaks and humliations.
2. Now is about the time that you should try hard in school. You will become a smarter, more content person for it, and you won't spend as many sleepless nights worrying about what a failure you are.
3. Don't tell your friends that you almost got caught masturbating. A game of chinese whispers will ensue, and it will take about 3 years for you to live down the nasty rumours.
4. Don't get into Radiohead. You'll probably spend much less time locked away in your bedroom feeling sorry for yourself. You might even get out more and make new friends. Chances are, that in the future you won't have a complete lack of social skills.
5. Don't scratch the acne on your back. Sure, it's gross, but the scars that you'll get later will be even more disgusting.
6. Quit going to the chip shop for dinner. You'll probably get more tang.
7. Try and help your Dad out more when your Mother walks out on you guys for some internet stranger half her age.
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