ASSIGNMENTS:
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Joce
Berkeley, California USA
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REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
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Advice to Joce at age 6
1.) Don't take credit for cleaning the playroom when it was actually Grandma who put your toys away. The guilt of Dad praising you for being such a good girl in front of a knowingly silent Grandma will haunt you for the rest of your life.
Advice to Joce at age 7
1.) Speak up for yourself when Dad grounds you for letting Elizabeth steal Grandma's jewelry. Tell him what really happened: you went to the bathroom and kindly asked Elizabeth not to go upstairs. For some reason that crazy bitch does the complete opposite just to spite you.
2.) Stay away from Elizabeth.
Advice to Joce at age 8
1.) Don't let Brian, you first crush, play "London Bridge" with you. I know he's cute, but you'll end up ramming your front tooth into his head. When you're 21, you'll find out this killed a nerve in your tooth and you'll probably need a ROOT CANAL later.
Advice to Joce at age 10
1.) Hold Grandma just a little bit tighter and a little bit longer. It will be the last time you see her.
2.) It's "Chesapeake Indians," not "Cheapskate Indians." Being the new girl in school will be infinitely easier if you learn how to pronounce this correctly.
Advice to Joce at age 12
1.) Irena means well when she says she wants to beat up your boyfriend. Don't choose her over Ken.
2.) When Alicia tells you she "feels like we're drifting," don't hang up on her. It'll be impossible to salvage your friendship after that.
Advice to Joce at age 13
1.) Be nicer to Matthew, he'll prove to be one of your most loyal friendsÉ and your back-up prom date in high school.
Advice to Joce age 15
1.) Don't eat sandwiches with Italian dressing for lunch because it makes you gassy. You will fart in class, resulting in one of the most humiliating experiences of your life.
Advice to Joce at age 16
1.) Don't waste your time stalking Target employees to buy Nick a $300 Playstation 2 the week it comes out. Money cannot buy love, and plus stupid teenagers don't know what love is.
2.) You may wish you never met Nick (sometimes I do too), but he's preparing you for someone better.
Advice to Joce at age 18
1.) Run outside with a baseball bat the night your house gets egged and paint-balled. You'll find the culprits to be Nick and Sherie, your ex-boyfriend and your ex-best friend. Be prepared for the ultimate betrayal.
Advice to Joce at age 19
1.) Prepare to meet your love match in a De-Cal class.
2.) Stick with Spiff. She's cool beans and will become your awesome roommate for the next 3 years. But beware of her feminist rants.
Advice to Joce at age 20
1.) Don't use Tide liquid detergent while stressing out. This combination will result in an eczema flare-up that you're still struggling with a year later. Always moisturize.
2.) When the homeless woman with 3 kids on Telegraph Ave asks you to buy a "Street Spirit," don't go to Rasputin to break your $20 bill. Go to Fat Slice and buy them a deluxe pizza.
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