ASSIGNMENTS:
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Michael Harwell
Houston, Texas USA
Email Michael
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REPORTS:
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Advice to Michael Harwell at 22
Hey Michael, I am you from the future and I have some important advice:
First, you look like a dork. You'll never score chicks that way. Go ahead and cut your hair; I know you've been considering it. It'll look a thousand times better and it's easier to maintain.
Buy clothes that fit. Baggy isn't doing it anymore. Grunge may seem cool now, but really, women want a guy who is clean and well-dressed (meaning no more Gap pocket tees two sizes too big and no more faded black cut-off jeans).
Don't read so much Bukowski. He's not all that great. Look into Cormac McCarthy and Raymond Carver.
I recommend you buy a car as soon as you can. Save up 500 bucks, get a crappy-lookin' Honda or Toyota. It will change your life. We'll go to so many places, see so many concerts and movies and exhibits and meet so many people. You owe it to me.
Don't spend so much time playing video games. Yeah, they seem fun now, but when you're 32 you'll regret not going out and meeting girls. Jesus, I had a 5 year drought, no nooky! Do you really want that to happen again?
It's ok to feel good about yourself. You're a good guy, really. You may feel too bald and too skinny but there are girls who like that. They'll be drawn to you.
You won't be able to escape your student loans, so you might as well try to pay them off now, even if it's just 50 bucks a month.
I realize telling you all this may affect our future, but I think it's important to make sure you're in Houston in 2001. On April 4th, go to copy.com and apply for a job. You will have an interview two weeks later. Don't fuck it up. They will pretty much hire you on the spot. You will work there for about 6 months and they will make you a manager. You will meet your replacement, a girl named Susan Sutton. You don't have a lot of time; she will leave for San Francisco in January. Act standoffish, tease her a little, and she will get a crush on you. Make your move at the staff Christmas party. You will fall in love and it will be amazing. That's all I can tell you.
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