ASSIGNMENTS:
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Jeffry Bothe
Baltimore, Maryland USA
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REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
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me: hello?
Jenn: Hey. it's me.
me: hey! it's great to hear from you. you sound... different... like... familiar...
Jenn: I'm back at my mom's old apartment in Ellicott City. it's still 1999 in my bedroom.
me: Really?! So it's true?
Jenn: Yeah. it is a time capsule just as you always suspected. It's small and cozy, full of girlish charm and completely cut off from the outside world. nothing has changed.
me: This is unbelievable!
Jenn: Autumn is on it's way. the leaves are drifting. think of how close we will become.
me: I've always dreamed of reliving our teenage romance. i think i'm going to cry.
Jenn: don't. or do. it's safe. Just come over. If it gets to be too much for you, you can lean your face against the window and watch the parking lot like you used to.
me: I love the feeling of cold glass on my face and hands. I love autumn nights. The best were the ones I spent with you. In your bedroom. holding each other. kissing. doing nothing.
Jenn: then come. come and, when you do, pay close atention to the details. Soak up everything you missed. listen to the sound of your feet on the sidewalk. feel the cold on your neck and on your knuckles. feel the cold all around you. see how light is different when it's cold. realize that the street lights blind your view of the night sky. see how it makes you smile for no reason. Understand that the world is ugly but I make it beautiful.
me: I know it now but didn't understand back then...
Jenn: don't worry about that. just pull back the heavy glass door. feel its weight, its shape. cross the threshold. do it with purpose. with intent. when you come in, really come in. count the stairs to the third floor. Take in the smells of the neighbors cooking. hear their muffled conversations. Pass their closed doors and end facing mine. the door on the left. knock. wait. listen... nothing. ripe silence. listen again. the faint scuffle of bare feet on the carpet. Imagine my toes, the soles of my feet and smile again. That smile brings a smell to mind.
me: Smells just like us; like the space we created in the night; the way we kept the whole world at bay.
Jenn: exactly. smells like what we are becoming. when i answer the door, look at me deeply. commit me to your memory. take me as I am without any interpetation. accept me completely. put your arms around me and hold me with loving attention. feel where skin touches skin and hair touches skin and clothes touch skin and hair touches hair and hair touches clothes and clothes touch clothes and feet touch the floor.
me: I already know. I feel it entirely now.
Jenn: good. now grip the elastic waistband of my pajamas and tug it tenderly. put your whole body behind it. hold me in the doorway. close your eyes. kiss me. smile for the third time. say, "hey", close your eyes and then kiss me. kiss me and hold me in the dorway. let it arrest you; overwhelm you; hollow you out completely. This: the only place in the whole universe. You and me in the doorway. you... and me... in the doorway...
me: (crying) I am here. Thank you...
Jenn: now take my hand and walk with me across the living room. Say hi to my mom. Listen to her response. really listen. Notice that she is glowing. You will miss that glow every winter for the rest of your life. Your ideas about my mom and me and my family and our relationship threaten to become ridiculously over-complicated and the risk is you will stop expereincing all of these things in their imediacy. So get it now before the walls go up.
me: but wait. what do you mean? aren't we going into you room? won't we stay there forever?
Jenn: yes. a part of us will. but another part will diverge and continue into the future. This isn't a chance for you to change the past, to right wrongs or live in eternal happiness. It's just an oportunity to remeber what it is that you seem to have forgotten. a chance to realize you are still capable of feeling deeply. a chance to change who you are now in the light of the magnificent person you once were. caring and compasionate. atentive and loving. the person I knew you to be. the person I loved. take it or leave it.
me: I think... I tihnk i'll take it. yeah! let's go. you lead the way...
Jenn: alright... follow me...
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