ASSIGNMENTS:
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Clare Grant
Tunbridge Wells, UK
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REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
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After I am dead, please donate anything of me that can be donated. I really like the idea of someone reading through my corneas, getting drunk with my liver and doing whatever it is people do with my pancreas.
Please go through my contacts and make sure that everyone knows - the E-mail people as well as the real people. And put a notice on my weblog so readers know I have a good excuse for not up-dating.
If I die abroad - DO NOT cause yourselves a whole lot of stress bringing me home in a coffin. Do whatever is done to the local dead. If I am cremated, you may bring the ashes home if you like. Or you can take locks of my hair.
If I die at home, I would like a cardboard or a wicker coffin. I would like to be put in it lying crouched on my side.
There is to be plenty of crying at my funeral - you will all feel a lot better afterwards. And make sure the eulogy has jokes in it. And I want lots of flowers, but not in arrangements. Bring me ones from your gardens, or just loose bunches.
I don't really care about any other aspect of the funeral - do what you feel like doing, as it's more for your benefit than mine. But please proofread the order of service properly. And if you end up driving to the crem in convoy with the undertaker, better tell him that it's OK to drive at more than 30mph, otherwise my father might have an apoplexy like he almost did at my grandmother's funeral. Oh, and everyone is welcome - there is to be no sniping and no 'I can't believe HE had the cheek to turn up.' No really, it would be too awful if there was a brawl after tea, and the story got into the pages of some cheap newspaper. I would be mortified if I was alive. Oh yes I would.
I would like the ashes scattered on the beach at Pett Level one moonlit night at low tide.
Afterwards, plant trees and hedges somewhere public - make them local varieties, preferably a good fruit and nut trees. If I am to be buried somewhere exotic, make it a cool tree, like one of those ones that has snorkel roots; or one that will support strange orchids and long beards of moss.
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