ASSIGNMENTS:
|
|
Leslie Doyle
Lexington, Kentucky USA
|
|
REPORTS:
PREVIOUS NEXT
|
|
On July 1, 1983 at 11:07 a.m., I came into this world as a 7 pound 11 ounce female baby that was 21 inches long. My parents are Patrick and LuAnn Doyle, and at the time they had only been married one year. I was unexpected, which my brother and sister utilized to tease me that I came from FedEx. My parents were both married before, and my dad had my sister Valerie, and my mom had my brother Keith.
I don't remember much from being a baby except some of the stories that have been passed down to me. One day I crawled into the kitchen and consumed some Comet, and lived! Other times, I thoroughly enjoyed being naked, my mother couldn't keep clothes on me. Some of my earliest memories are sesame street sheets, rainbow bright dolls, and our black lab named Sam. My mom never liked pets. The first house I remember living in was on Pelham Street, and we were close to our neighbors. My babysitter Margie lived a few houses down. The most significant memory I have of the time with her was when we were in a car accident. I remember falling to the floor of the car in the back seat, and when I got up I vaguely remember Margie's mother pulling her head back from the windshield and seeing the glass embedded in her forehead.
In kindergarten, we moved to the house my parents live in now on West 2nd Street. This is when I met my first best friend, Kacie, who lived across the street from me. I have fond memories of her being bossy, and always coming up with schemes every summer to con me into to make a little money. She got furious with someone when they said my name like "Lezlie" instead of "Leslie." Now I notice it all the time, even though I didn't really care before. But when I got teased in high school with the name "Lezlibian," I started to notice even more. One time, Kacie faked her period because she didn't like being her age when all the other girls around her had a period and she didn't.
From kindergarten, I remember fudge rounds, Sesame Street, the alphabet, naps, and learning to write my name on squirrel paper. In first grade, I had Mrs. Gifford, and I mostly remember having a crush on an interracial kid in class who didn't like pizza. I couldn't understand why he didn't. In second grade, I had the really mean Mrs. Snedegar, and I first learned about the Bloody Mary crap in the bathroom that has haunted me to this day. My friend Kacie convinced me to think I don't believe in it whenever I got scared and it would make Bloody Mary go away. In third grade, I had Mr. Barker, and it was the first year that Maysville schools merged with Mason County schools so I was put into a new environment. He was a really cute teacher, and I had my first little boyfriend for a day or two. I remember having a really cute post-it note pen set that I kept on my desk.
In fourth grade, everything went to shit. I got my period at the age of eight, my dad had a heart attack so I didn't get to go see Aladdin, and my teacher, Mrs. Schumacher always tried to get me in trouble with my mom because she worked at school too. My whole fear of tornadoes began when I was cleaning the room one day to get out of gym class. The principal came over the load speaker telling everyone to get into their tornado positions in the hall, and I looked outside to see the world swirling in black. Kids were puking in the halls, and crying has storms kept rolling through for hours and we had to stay in the halls until the storms passed. After this, I was terrified of storms until my niece was born. I would almost have an anxiety attack whenever a bad storm was coming. I was my family's local radar! I would gather all my prized possessions, and prepare myself to go into my basement and face death because I knew I was going to get killed. This is where my weird mentally started because whenever something dangerous caught me off guard, I developed this thought that if I always thought the worst, and then it would be less likely to happen.
Fifth grade was the beginning of my perfectionism as I got in a competition with a girl to be the best teachers pet. I lost when I got the flu one week and Ashley had the chance to take over. I started to play the clarinet. One day in band the drummers got into my purse and found my pads, and I remember being called maxi girl or something like that. I was really bad at math, and this is when I first noticed I had some weird sexual desires.
Middle school was a whirlwind as I came into puberty, and I got breasts that I couldn't believe. Of course I got teased about them, and I started to learn more about sex. I had a huge obsessive crush on Joe Pat and drugs were becoming a reality. One of my friends almost had a heart attack from drugs she had taken, which got several of my other friends in trouble. I had a boyfriend who was a basketball player that I had met at a school dance, and I went to all his games until he dumped me. I was always late for school, and this is when I first started to really get into making art. I loved to sing, and my family thought I was going to grow up and be just like Mariah Carey or something.
Then it was time to go to high school...dun...dun...dun! This is when my internet obsession started and I had my first online relationships with Jen first. I would call her all the time, and try to hide it from my parents because I didn't know if I was gay or what at the time...but I had interests. I was really into vampire role playing where I met most of these people. I developed an entire character, a different side of myself that I kept in this internet world. I had a few boyfriends here and there, but nothing serious. I met Trish when I was fourteen online, and she became someone very significant to me that I loved for a very long time. We never met in real life, but I loved her, and I talked to her often on the phone. She would role play men for me, so we were married through our online characters for a couple years. I was so lost in this fantasy world, but she was the one to teach me how to masturbate. I had one little blue journal with beading on it that I kept everything from her in. All the love I had for her was written in there, and now the book is gone. My family never knew. She really wanted me to come be with her. I was silly and young and she was at least eight years older, and we drifted apart.
Just so I don't forget about this. I was very close to my mom, but my dad worked all the time. I remember my mom making these little special hair bows to make extra money, but I always loved the ones she made for me. We would take my dad dinner every night, and he says he went to day shift to have more time with his grandchild, but I was the one who ended up watching her. My dad always yelled at me all the fucking time, and I was crying all the fucking time. I made myself believe that I shouldn't ever cry if I can help it because it was considered so weak by my dad. I just always remember him being a huge asshole with some small sparks of compassion when something bad or significant happened.
After Trish, I started to talk to Al. Our relationship of course started online because I based my life around the internet when I was in high school. I wasn't a popular kid in school, but I was always in the art room. This is where I chose art as my passion; little did I know it would lead to me one semester away from finishing my MFA. Al and I fell in love, and I thought he was the one. He came to visit me in Kentucky, and I went to stay with him and his family. Gradually, he relocated here to be with me and I didn't need the internet anymore. I lost my virginity to him, which was quite an uneventful evening. As the relationship attempted to get deeper and deeper, it couldn't survive. He wasn't really the one for me, and I was only 22 when it ended. I had no idea who I was yet.
I started out college at MCTC and moved onto Morehead State, but I still didn't have enough balls at the time to move away from my family. I also didn't have the money. Adrian and I became close in college because she was my friend from high school. My other friend and I had drifted apart after she gave birth to a baby that died three days later. We just had different paths. I became a tutor for my peers, and I really started to kick ass at some algebra even though I struggled with it when I was younger. I made a lot of special connections with the people I tutored because it was important to know what was affecting them outside of their school work to really help them get past their anxieties. It was a really rewarding job and it just told me even more that I need to be a teacher in some way. Adrian and I separated for a bit when she became a different person when she was in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend at the time. I wish I had known how to help her instead of feeling like we needed to separate.
When I went to Morehead, several things changed. I found out I was going to be an aunt Christmas 2003, and this changed my life so much. My niece Lindsey was born August 19th, and I was there for over 12 hours waiting for her to arrive. I spent almost everyday with her after that until I moved to Lexington in 2006. The one thing I miss the most from my past is the feeling I got when she was laying against my chest sleeping as I rocked her to sleep. Nothing in my life has ever felt that good. The only thing that comes near to it now it waking up with her in the morning, and watching cartoons on the couch under the covers. She accepts me for everything that I am, and I have nothing to worry about around her. I can be me. Now it's hard only getting to see her once a month since I live in a different city. I'm always worried she will forget me.
As soon as Al and I were over, of course I went back to my computer to find love. It's so freaking pathetic to me now. It was just so easy for me. It took away all the social pressure, but it also took away the other things needed to help relationships work. I started to talk to a married man who was a swinger online who was 12 years older than me, and I realized how dominate I was sexually when I always tried to play like I was submissive. We fell into emotional love, even though I felt it was wrong because his wife really didn't want him to swing anymore. We were online talking to each other almost every night and I would watch him on web cam. When I was about to graduate with my Bachelors I ended the relationship because I knew we were never going to be together. He wasn't going to leave his wife and child. Plus I felt really fucking guilty about it, although it went on for months.
For the next couple years, it just seems like my life is dictated my relationships instead of moments. I met a couple more people through MySpace. I dated David when I still believed in love, and he was just to fucking cynical and on drugs, and I was just too into love expectations. We just weren't right for each other and I still believed in fairy tale love. I messed around with Steven, thus began my line of screwing around with musicians. And then I met Mark at 23.
It's fucked up how much of a milestone he is. But he happened when I was moving away from home on my own and I was starting graduate school. All of these things combined completely turned my life around. Then my granny passed away in the middle of it, and I was already being too fucked with mentally to really acknowledge that it happened. Mark taught me what love is by showing me everything love shouldn't be. He fucked with me mentally and emotionally, and it all devastated me in the end. I loved him more than I have ever loved anyone. He charmed the shit out of me with his charismatic bullshit, and then became what he really was when I was wrapped up in what we were and making it work. I still haven't figured out where I lost all of my strength. Love literally blinded me from what was really happening. This was only in a matter of six months.
When we broke up I was devastated. I could not understand. I held on for months. I was depressed for over a year. I almost quite graduate school. I even thought of killing myself for the first time. I dated a couple people here and there, but I was too much of a mess to have a relationship. So I eventually avoided all possibilities of one to prevent hurting anyone from the effects of my last relationship. I haven't dated since. A few months after it happened I struggled to figure out who I was again. I cut off my hair to be who I know I am on the outside. I had to figure out everything again, everything I believed, felt, and thought. Plus I still had all the pressures of being alone in a new city and trying to get through graduate school. Much of the time after we broke up is a blur to me.
Once I started to get back on my feet and realize how fucked up that relationship was, I became me. I was finally in a city where I could learn about my interests. I'm now more in touch with my sexuality and my personality. I developed friendships and I started to make art that meant something to me that I thought just might do something for at least one other person. Yes, it was a horrible experience, but I am kind of thankful for it because I learned so much from it and I gained so much independence and clarity from it that I now feel like I am who I want to be. So many things factor into this becoming, but my life now is pretty sweet. Adrian and I are close again and she has a baby boy named Hunter now. My life centers around art and graduate school, which is satisfying, stressful, and incomplete at the same time. I haven't been in a relationship since, and I refuse to use the computer for anything but art projects. I try to make connections with real people in front of my face instead of through an interface. I live in a house that I love, I have friends that I care about, I go out more than I ever have before in my life, and I'm curious how this life story might change a few years from now.
|
|
|
|
|
|
