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1983. I was born at the start of the year, after the firecracker bangs shushed down to two in a day. My earliest childhood memory was being lifted down to the sink to pee in the middle of the night. I was silent at home with my parents and grandparents and rowdy at school. My cousin and I went to school together. She claimed she saw a dwarf at the comfort room which was outside the school, vividly describing it in detail. I pretended I saw it too. I loved dismissal, since it would mean we would be eating "merienda" (afternoon snack) at the small inn a few blocks from the school. We would buy "saging con hielo" (bananas with ice and milk and syrup) that I would hungrily wolf down, tired after a day of playing and learning my ABCs. I was-- and still am-- a crybaby. I would cry over some emotional problem, like being left behind by friends or being jealous that my best friend was playing with another girl and not me. I had asthma too, which they said is psychological and we would have our afternoon games at the yard between our houses and I would always be "saling-kit" (They would be including me in the game but not as a serious player, sort of like a joke.)I would pretend to be having an asthma attack, when, really, all i want to do is eat some fruits we picked from trees we climbed and just watch tv and drink cold chocolate milk and play with paper dolls.
I hated my school when I was in Kindergarten.
I remember this girl named Stacey who cried because I accidentally tore her uniform during a particularly rough game of tag. She was bawling and I was trembling with fear, not knowing what to do since she kept on repeating she would tell her mom and she would get in so much trouble. I was often teased by my busmates about being dressed shabbily and being frumpy, since both my parents were working and I had no one to fuss over me and braid my hair and spray me with cologne after playing or even put a towel at my back to absorb sweat. My brother was born and had the same name as my classmate. My other classmates found out about this and teased us endlessly. I cried everytime they did that, I was such a wimp.
I transferred to an all-girls' school when I was in elementary. The field was bigger, there were a lot of swings and playing space and it just felt better with all of my classmates being girls. On my first day, my dad brought me to school. He had a thermos with cold chocolate milk and on my first hour in school, he would wait outside my classroom so everytime I peeped outside if he still was there, he was.
My classmate boasted about having all of the Barbie toys that ever existed. She would say her Barbie has miniature soap and even laundry soap and other things we didn't even think existed. She keeps on saying she'll bring them to school but she never did. That was the same girl who puked spaghetti all over the classroom in nervousness.
When I was in grade five, I had the best set of friends, or so I thought. They were all classroom officers and I thought myself cool by association. I was so impressed by them that we did everything together and if one likes something, everyone has to like it too. They had a fight with a classmate that I didn't know and I was confronted by that classmate saying I was the only one not apologizing. I was so freaked out because then I thought it was the end of the world and thought I would lose my "so-called friends" (I did in the future, but not through that) It was so stupid since I wasn't even involved in their "fight" and was just minding my own business. During grade six, I had the worst time of my life, my "friends" were scattered to different sections and I had to adjust to new classmates, who had their own groups already and would pick me when it came to groupings but would leave me when it came to peer bonding. I dreaded recess since that meant "alone time". I truly like alone time now, but I didn't know better then and thought being alone was the worst status you could have in class. I ate quickly alone at my desk and seeked refuge at the library. I maxed out my library card, staying there until the bell rang, my nose buried in a book while inside I was feeling wretched and unwanted and horribly alone.
I was branded a 'nerd'-which, back then wasn't cool yet and I fought back tears as I passed their snickers in the hallway, clutching my books closer to me, my only true friends, haha.
When I was in highschool, my classmates had designer label bags. I was handed a huge Jollibee (Famous Filipino fastfood, similar to McDo) messenger bag in neon green and orange. After two days I rummaged for other bags in my mother's closet--anything except this obvious point of ridicule and found NGO canvas bags. "This'll do,"I thought. A lot of people loved their highschool years. It wasn't bad but looking back on it now, they were forgettable and heartwrenching. Yes, highschool girls can be cruel. College was the best time of my life. I loved my course, communications and connected with the people around me, including the rest of the class, unlike the cliques existing in highschool. I found others who loved reading too, who appreciated individuality and affordable bargain products and others who truly understood me. I realized I like girls. Love them, even. I had guy classmates in college, but I kept being fixated on women. I would sit at the benches and peoplewatch and just marvel at how many beautiful women there are from different colleges. I had my hair cut very shortly (I never kept my hair long, but this was shorter than the usual) and wore tons of accessories--most of them I made myself. When i was in highschool we weren't allowed to wear necklaces/bracelets/rings so I really went overboard. During my sophomore year, I went to a lot of political rallies. It felt so good marching with a crowd who shared your same sentiments and finding your voice, discovering your identity. I was exposed to feminist ideals since childhood, my mom's a feminist and we had a lot of Ms. magazines and other feminist reading materials around the house which I read and loved.
College went by too fast. Now i'm already working. I used to work in an ad agency but stress got the better of me. I watched the L word through a copy from my friend and my life was changed. I became more vocal with my sexuality and got to meet gay and lesbian people who shared the same feminist ideals and beliefs. If someday in the future it rains money, I would catch some of it and be fulfilling my lifelong dream of creating personalized pride accessories or a lesbian bar that caters to women only--a place to just hang out and be comfy and relaxed and safe from homophobia and free.
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